I feel one of the greatest life lessons I learned over the past few years, was to process. Process how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, why I might feel that way, the basic cause and effect of human emotions etc...
Lately I've been doing a lot of processing about my move and my life in general and about how I am feeling about it all, and the truth is.....fantastic.
While getting ready to move here I was never super anxious (in a bad way) or worried or nervous - part of me just knew that everything was going to be ok and it is. I've met many wonderful people, I really settling into life here well. It feels different (in a better way) than being in Orlando.
For the longest time at UCF I felt like I was just there, just a presence, hovering stagnantly, living day to day life doing what I did to get by, it was so...routine. Everyone knew me as the girl who spoke at Orientation, or the girl who worked in the LEAD Scholars Office, or the girl who would get me in trouble if she saw me drinking right now, but here....I feel like I can truly be myself and not be worried about any of it. It's not like I'm going streaking through the quad, or getting hammered and making bad decisions. I'm just Kelly.
....ugh I'm having a hard time trying to explain myself right now. I do really well with analogies, so let's try one of those....
Ok so say that you are mutual friends with a couple. Then they break up, then the boy is having a party at his house and you want to go, but you don't want to be unloyal to the girl (who isn't going), and you don't want to be an asshole to the boy, and all you really want to do is go party with your friends, but if you go the girl will be mad at you for going and the boy will just want to talk shit about the girl to you all night long and in the end nobody is happy....................yeah here I don't have any of that....and now that I think about it maybe it's just because I'm new and don't really know anybody hahahahahaha that didn't really work so well
Man....I'm a hot mess - I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I can be myself no holds barred and can live my life for me.
I am wearing clothes I used to not, I am flirting with more men than I used to (I used to rarely, if ever - this is a big step for me), I've opened up a lot and have stopped closing myself off (turns out I'm an extremely private person - I didn't even know I was until my bffl Jess opened my eyes to it), I am joking and laughing more, I am just happier.
I liked my life in Orlando, don't get me wrong, and maybe a lot of the things that I found wrong with it were products of my own actions or decisions, but maybe just maybe this move was more than just a new career for me, maybe God had a different plan and he realized it was time for a new start for my heart and life...
No comments:
Post a Comment